I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Randomize
