i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
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