If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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