no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Randomize