So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
