I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I understand Curling. That high.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
