she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I am mentally ready for anal.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
