would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
