remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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