did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Randomize
