It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I love how my cats smell like pot.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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