The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Randomize
