I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
