Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
