I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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