Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
