you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.