Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
We should try that some time.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.