i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.