Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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