You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
