Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
