I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
