Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
