i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
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