I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
