I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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