I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize