So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
