I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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