you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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