i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
