I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
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