My liver just broke up with me...
Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
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