if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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