Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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