***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Randomize
