I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
