so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Randomize
