i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
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