my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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