they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
