just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Randomize
