I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
