o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
