i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
i black out too much to be "responsible"
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
