ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
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