There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
