Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
