So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
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