I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
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