The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
That accounts for only three of the penises
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
