sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
