EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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