I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
