i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
